


Batman v Superwoman: A Very Special Christmas Edition

by twriting



Series: World's Finest [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Bruce Wayne Has Issues, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Communicating, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Christmas Fluff, Female Clark Kent, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21626014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twriting/pseuds/twriting
Summary: Cantrell Kent, future Superwoman but currently just a college student, texts an older friend for advice on dealing with loss. Given that said older friend is Bruce Wayne, it goes about as well as you'd expect.Update: Now with snickerdoodles and blowjob jokes!
Relationships: Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne
Series: World's Finest [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554871
Comments: 3
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

Childe5-12: Hi Bruce

Childe5-12: Are you busy right now?

201-46: No.

Childe5-12: Can I ask you something?

201-46: Yes.

Childe5-12: This is my first Christmas without my parents. They died in August

201-46: I'm aware.

Childe5-12: Wow

201-46: I know everything about you that is a matter of public record.

Childe5-12: What is wrong with you?!

201-46: PTSD.

Childe5-12: I know that. I mean "I'm aware"!

Childe5-12: What kind of response is that?

201-46: An accurate one.

Childe5-12: You are such a jerk

Childe5-12: Why did I text you?

201-46: I don't know.

Childe5-12: I texted you for advice on getting through your first Christmas without your parents

201-46: Don't kill yourself.

Childe5-12: Wow

Childe5-12: How about a friend? Can I kill a friend?

Childe5-12: He's not actually a friend

201-46: No.

201-46: Are you staying on campus for Christmas?

Childe5-12: No. I'm in Smallville

Childe5-12: Visiting Pete and his family. Some other friends are here too

Childe5-12: What are you doing?

201-46: Drinking rum.

Childe5-12: I mean for Christmas

Childe5-12: What are you and your foster child doing?

201-46: The usual.

Childe5-12: Please tell me you're not making Dixie fight crime for Christmas?

201-46: I'm not.

Childe5-12: So what's Dixie doing?

201-46: Last minute panic shopping.

Childe5-12: I mean for Christmas

Childe5-12: I know you must know what I mean

201-46: Eating pizza and pastries and watching Miracle On Sullivan Place.

Childe5-12: Are you watching the original?

201-46: There are no remakes.

Childe5-12: I think that's the first thing we agree on

Childe5-12: Is that "the usual"?

201-46: Yes.

Childe5-12: That's a good usual. Is that Dixie's usual or your usual?

201-46: Mine and Alfred's. For Dixie we're putting up her family's aluminum Christmas tree and flying her friends from the circus in from Vegas.

201-46: We're having a group party in the Gotham Madison Hotel ballroom.

Childe5-12: You know what? You're actually good at this foster parent stuff

201-46: Thank you.

Childe5-12: Is it ok if I ask what you did for your first Christmas without your parents?

201-46: Yes.

Childe5-12: Bruce

Childe5-12: I know you know how rhetorical questions work

201-46: I had a panic attack.

Childe5-12: I apologize for bringing the matter up

Childe5-12: I should have known that would be a bad memory to ask you about

201-46: it's fine.

Childe5-12: How about happy memories?

Childe5-12: I know the Kanes are Jewish. Do you have any Hanukkah traditions?

201-46: Light a menorah and eat fried foods. Mom was non-observant.

Childe5-12: Those are good traditions

Childe5-12: If you like, next year I'll make you some sufganiyot

201-46: Thank you.

Childe5-12: You're welcome. So I know I already asked and it kind of got weird

Chidle5-12: But I really could use some advice

Childe5-12: My parents died of natural causes, but it was still pretty sudden

201-46: I'm aware.

Childe5-12: You know those people who aren't really friends or enemies, but you're stuck with them for complex reasons that are none of your doing?

201-46: Yes.

Childe5-12: Can I kill one of them?

201-46: No killing.

201-46: That's it. That's my advice.

Childe5-12: Seriously?

Childe5-12: Your advice for dealing with the complex emotions sparked by the unexpected loss of your parents is "no killing"?

201-46: Dixie thinks it's good advice.

Childe5-12: I'm truly happy that you two have a strong connection

Childe5-12: However not all advice, even good advice, is the right advice for all people

Childe5-12: But thank you

Childe5-12: I won't kill anyone

201-46: Thank you.

201-46: I'm aware that we wouldn't actually be able to stop you from killing anyone. You're the most powerful mutant I've even heard rumours of.

Childe5-12: Mutant?

Childe5-12: Right. We haven't had that conversation yet

201-46: What conversation?

Childe5-12: Merry Christmas, Bruce. All my best to you and your loved ones

201-46: What conversation?

201-46: Kent?


	2. Chapter 2

Childe5-12: Hey are you busy?  
  
201-46: Yes.

Childe5-12: Quick question

Childe5-12: I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping and I need advice

Childe5-12: Budget $20. I've only got an hour before the mall closes

201-46: It's Christmas Eve.

Childe5-12: Don't judge me

Childe5-12: What do rich people want for Christmas?

201-46: More money.

Childe5-12: Ok I sort of knew that. What do rich people who's friends aren't rich want from their not-rich friends for Christmas?

201-46: I don't want anything.

Childe5-12: I'm not asking what you want for Christmas

Childe5-12: I'm asking what my boyfriend wants for Christmas  
  
201-46: I don't know. I don't talk to that side of the family.

Childe5-12: You're related to the Olsens?

201-46: Distantly.

Childe5-12: So I hope I'm not intruding, but why don't you talk to them?

201-46: They know what they did.

Childe5-12: Moving on

Childe5-12: What should I give my rich boyfriend for Christmas?

201-46: A blowjob.

Childe5-12: Aaaand again I regret texting you

201-46: Dixie thinks I'm funny.

Childe5-12: Please tell me you're not telling your thirteen year old foster daughter sex jokes?

201-46: Dixie grew up as part of a Vegas act. Usually she's the one making those jokes.

Childe5-12: 'Usually'?

201-46: Alfred is a retired Royal Marine. We're not a standard household.

Childe5-12: I concede the point

Childe5-12: So Christmas presents  
  
201-46: Blowjob.

Childe5-12: I'm not giving you any more cookies

201-46: You've never given me any cookies. You gave Dixie and Alfred cookies. You gave me a box of crackers.

Childe5-12: The cookies were for you too

Childe5-12: Did you seriously not eat any?

201-46: You said they were for Dixie and Alfred.

Childe5-12: That was a joke!

Childe5-12: Bruce

Childe5-12: I know you have something kind of like a sense of humour

201-46: I assumed you were annoyed with me.

Childe5-12: I AM MAKING YOU SNICKERDOODLES AND YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THEM ALL

201-46: You're annoyed with me.

Childe5-12: EAT THE SNICKERDOODLES, BRUCE

Childe5-12: It's Christmas Eve

Childe5-12: The mall closes in 27 minutes

Childe5-12: And I'm arguing about blowjobs and cookies

201-46: The Olsens have atrocious fashion sense.

Childe5-12: With a billionaire

201-46: Get him a novelty bowtie or something.

Childe5-12: I'm not getting Jimmy a novelty anything

201-46: Blowjob then.  
  
Childe5-12: DON'T SAY BLOWJOB

Childe5-12: DARN IT BRUCE

Childe5-12: 18 minutes. Bruce help!

201-46: I don't think I've ever bought a gift that cost less than $200.

Childe5-12: You were the wrong person to ask. I see that now

201-46: I wondered why you texted me.

Childe5-12: No one else was answering

201-46: I don't blame them.

Childe5-12: I GOT IT!

Childe5-12: Thanks for the advice!

201-46: Practice safe sex.

Childe 5-12: I hope you choke on a snickerdoodle

* * *

Childe5-12: Jimmy says you give great Christmas gift advice  
  
201-46: Please don't tell me the details of your sex life.

Childe5-12: I GOT HIM A BOWTIE WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!


End file.
